I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
