Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
