Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
