She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
it's like heaven, but drunker
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
