The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
