Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
