I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
