Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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