so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
