I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
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