I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
