I think I just saw someone hide a body.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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