You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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