wat bout pragnant strippers??
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
