its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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