I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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