My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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