I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Randomize
