Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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