You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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