you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
