Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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