My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
