You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
