I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
