dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
