shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
