my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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