oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
