cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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