You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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