after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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