I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
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