I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
