Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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