roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
