They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize