he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My dick has a subreddit
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
