I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
