I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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