Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
