I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
