i wish my penis had a tongue
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize