When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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