He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Couch. On fire.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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