Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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