Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
