I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I need a burrito and a hug.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize