i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
