My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
