If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
