how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
