i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
