There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
