he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
This is classic penis vs brain.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
