life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
