i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
