Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize