when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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