i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
