So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
