$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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