she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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