I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
