My liver just broke up with me...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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