drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
