I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We were destined to go to rehab together
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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